Have you ever fallen deeply in love with someone but for whatever reason it did not work out. Only to later find out that that was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
What do you do in that moment when you realize that you might be alone forever because you miss the opportunity with your soulmate?
When they call you every time they havr a break up with someone crying and talking to you about that situation...so because you care, you want to be that friend for them, to be that best friend because you just want to see them happy. You just really want them to be ok and smile again, especially if they are hurting so bad from whatever that person did them. No matter how much you want to say I love you and I care about you and I could never do to you what they have done to you...you know in that moment and in that time that what they really need is you as a friend.
So you stay there as a friend, later "friendzoned" and you let them know how much they are a valuable person, how much people care about them, how much they are needed in this world, how they deserve better, to make sure that they feel good again regardless of how much you hurt inside sEwing themail hurt. Knowing if you could change anything in their life, you would change all the sorrow, heartbreak, and pain that they have endured, you just want to wish the best for them and for everyone they encounter. If their happiness is without you, so be it. That happiness is what'she most important to you for all your friends because that'she the type of person you are. Some may take advantage of you, others won'the know they are, and the rest will get the love you are sending and respect the respect.
Interesting to see that no matter how many times someone breaks their heart, or does them wrong, they call you and they talk to you...they know there is a connection there and you know it too. But for some reason you can't be together, so you accept it and understand that you might be alone forever.
I've been there, done that. Seen plenty of things, good and bad. Lived a pretty full life before I was even in the heart of college. I've fallen in love obviously. Had sex, drove a car/stick shift/bus/trailer/truck/etc, learned another language, been beaten by family, sexually abused, beat up a good number of folks for picking on the wrong kids, seen fires ruin homes, lived through a war &911, done fostercare, and so much more. Left on my bucket list: open a residential facility for teens....get married/then have a child.
I love my job, but the way money is and student loans, I don't think the residential thing will workout at this point in my life. Also, as stated before, the one I was to marry me, won't happen...even as they lay here I'm my bed and I sit here on the floor at 346am writing this. You have accepted forever alone. From what you've learned in life...some things aren't meant to be and not everyone gets their happy ending. Especially for a kid from the hood (East Cleveland, Oh) that's been through hell &got trapped in Iowa. Tis life was what you were taught. Good night, good bye, hit me up if you need to talk. Anyone, it's what I do. I'm an advocate, counselor, FRIEND!
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Friday, October 14, 2016
I'm bipolar, please stop comparing my condition to the weather
Back in 2007 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the type later to be identified as Bipolar NOS. I was a few months shy of being 21. It was a rough few years prior and I always knew something was wrong. With that being said, my family did not believe in mental illness or accept anything but heterosexism. Being a minority really did shape my ideals and understanding of mental illness and my position on it. I've probably struggled with this since I was 12 years old: two things, first, you usually don't diagnose a child that young with something so serious or stigmatizing, second, we didn't believe it existed. When I got to college a few years prior, heck, I thought my whole life was normal. Going to college showed me that the families I saw on TV weren't just TV families and that some really existed. So my perception changed. What I didn't believe in before was real.
Now, a couple months shy of 30, I've had my fair share highs and lows....medicated and non-medicated. Its been hard and I only know accept that. Trying to explain my OCD to some friends today for OCD awareness week also made me realize that I use a lot of my rituals/patterns to help me cope with cycling. The weather is not struggling to get by in society, it's not realizing it will forever be alone, it's not dreaming about stabilizing it's mood, and so much more. Saying it should pick the weather type already...it's so bipolar. I struggle everyday trying to be "normal" or calm my OCD! Most don't know the struggle most won't ever understand.
Now, I'm always the friend, not bestfriend, not bride, not girlfriend, not lover, not included in friend group, etc. I'm the one that everybody says is so funny, creative, mind everywhere, charismatic, nice, caring, etc. But when my cycle takes me the other way I'm out of site. I'm not invited to things, I sit on my floor Friday nights I'm not working and think, just think for hours, this is me. I hurt. I bleed like everyone else. As my ex snoreso in my bed because she needed somewhere to stay I think about how she is still pining over the one that cheated on her, that made her feel like crap 3/4 of their relationship, did her wrong in so many ways. I think of her, just like I do all my friends and want to help. I'm taken advantage of. Then I cycle faster, I can be elated then I absorb all of their pain, their trials never touching on mine. Then I go from hypomania to depression really fast. As the kids say, 0-100 real quick.
I've been on so many different types of med and different psychologists it's crazy. Glad my counselor has stuck through it with me. I can't say that for one single friend in the past 9-10years dealing with this. I'm hurting and don't know what to do. Luckily with bipolar you need a lot less sleep. So I'm gonna go Uber and then go to Perkins at 3am, then come home and sleep on the floor. I've contemplated many of life's decisions. Good night for now, see you tomorrow. Stay on top of the world. Bipolar is real.
Now, a couple months shy of 30, I've had my fair share highs and lows....medicated and non-medicated. Its been hard and I only know accept that. Trying to explain my OCD to some friends today for OCD awareness week also made me realize that I use a lot of my rituals/patterns to help me cope with cycling. The weather is not struggling to get by in society, it's not realizing it will forever be alone, it's not dreaming about stabilizing it's mood, and so much more. Saying it should pick the weather type already...it's so bipolar. I struggle everyday trying to be "normal" or calm my OCD! Most don't know the struggle most won't ever understand.
Now, I'm always the friend, not bestfriend, not bride, not girlfriend, not lover, not included in friend group, etc. I'm the one that everybody says is so funny, creative, mind everywhere, charismatic, nice, caring, etc. But when my cycle takes me the other way I'm out of site. I'm not invited to things, I sit on my floor Friday nights I'm not working and think, just think for hours, this is me. I hurt. I bleed like everyone else. As my ex snoreso in my bed because she needed somewhere to stay I think about how she is still pining over the one that cheated on her, that made her feel like crap 3/4 of their relationship, did her wrong in so many ways. I think of her, just like I do all my friends and want to help. I'm taken advantage of. Then I cycle faster, I can be elated then I absorb all of their pain, their trials never touching on mine. Then I go from hypomania to depression really fast. As the kids say, 0-100 real quick.
I've been on so many different types of med and different psychologists it's crazy. Glad my counselor has stuck through it with me. I can't say that for one single friend in the past 9-10years dealing with this. I'm hurting and don't know what to do. Luckily with bipolar you need a lot less sleep. So I'm gonna go Uber and then go to Perkins at 3am, then come home and sleep on the floor. I've contemplated many of life's decisions. Good night for now, see you tomorrow. Stay on top of the world. Bipolar is real.
My OCD mind...
My OCD:
I already know many won't read this, not worried at all.
Like I joke around a lot about having OCD, ....today and this week, I've been trying to share resources and be a bit more open about it, but it's hard. I struggle everyday to hide the more extreme rituals and patterns of my OCD. The ones folks do see; for instance the counting, you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. It does stress me out, a lot to try and withhold some of these things and in doing so, I think about them for the next few days/weeks/months/even years, replaying one event over and over in my mind. They will over lap with many other events/situations/conversations/interactions that are still in the cycling motion of leaving my mind. I like to say I live in my own world of organized chaos. I know all these random dates, full of random useless knowledge (that I read in a book in the library in E.C, in 6th grade or when I would sleep in the tree by the armory after I left Parks too late reading a letter of the encyclopedia when I couldn't sleep), the most random conversations, and everything in between is all cataloged in my brain. I read random articles all the time trying to figure me out, so please know you don't have me figured out, because I'm still working on me (one article is shared here in the comment). Some of it appears chaotic to most, but to me it helps me survive. Some know of my mental illness that I have as well, others do not. So when they try to "cure" or "treat" my OCD it revs it up more and sometimes triggers anxiety, so knowing that at times it is the only thing that helps me when my mental illness is truly effecting me. I can joke about the things I share with you guys because that is where my comfort-ability ends with those particular things. I love the posts that are shared with me about "why would someone do this" and there is one square off in a pattern on the sidewalk, or the gas mileage vs money paid, these things make me feel like others understand whether they do or don't. It's just a daily struggle and many times gets the best of me. I've counted almost every step I've taken (to places I have to go to frequently) since I've been in Iowa: how many steps to Bessey from OE, to Culver's from west Ames when I worked there, general actual steps in buildings, etc. I eat everything very intricately. Some of these things impede my day until I can get it just right. The list goes on. I do appreciate friends who will just carry on with whatever they are doing when I'm doing some random thing next to them or slow down when we're walking because they notice I need a minute, thank you. I know many that won't talk about it, but I figured for this week only here you go, a taste of my mind. One thing that does bother me is when people say oh that's a bit of my OCD and it's not...like because you are a clean-freak doesn't mean you have OCD, it means you like things clean, and I commend that! Or statements that are actually hurtful to us.
Would survive a day in my body?
I already know many won't read this, not worried at all.
Like I joke around a lot about having OCD, ....today and this week, I've been trying to share resources and be a bit more open about it, but it's hard. I struggle everyday to hide the more extreme rituals and patterns of my OCD. The ones folks do see; for instance the counting, you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. It does stress me out, a lot to try and withhold some of these things and in doing so, I think about them for the next few days/weeks/months/even years, replaying one event over and over in my mind. They will over lap with many other events/situations/conversations/interactions that are still in the cycling motion of leaving my mind. I like to say I live in my own world of organized chaos. I know all these random dates, full of random useless knowledge (that I read in a book in the library in E.C, in 6th grade or when I would sleep in the tree by the armory after I left Parks too late reading a letter of the encyclopedia when I couldn't sleep), the most random conversations, and everything in between is all cataloged in my brain. I read random articles all the time trying to figure me out, so please know you don't have me figured out, because I'm still working on me (one article is shared here in the comment). Some of it appears chaotic to most, but to me it helps me survive. Some know of my mental illness that I have as well, others do not. So when they try to "cure" or "treat" my OCD it revs it up more and sometimes triggers anxiety, so knowing that at times it is the only thing that helps me when my mental illness is truly effecting me. I can joke about the things I share with you guys because that is where my comfort-ability ends with those particular things. I love the posts that are shared with me about "why would someone do this" and there is one square off in a pattern on the sidewalk, or the gas mileage vs money paid, these things make me feel like others understand whether they do or don't. It's just a daily struggle and many times gets the best of me. I've counted almost every step I've taken (to places I have to go to frequently) since I've been in Iowa: how many steps to Bessey from OE, to Culver's from west Ames when I worked there, general actual steps in buildings, etc. I eat everything very intricately. Some of these things impede my day until I can get it just right. The list goes on. I do appreciate friends who will just carry on with whatever they are doing when I'm doing some random thing next to them or slow down when we're walking because they notice I need a minute, thank you. I know many that won't talk about it, but I figured for this week only here you go, a taste of my mind. One thing that does bother me is when people say oh that's a bit of my OCD and it's not...like because you are a clean-freak doesn't mean you have OCD, it means you like things clean, and I commend that! Or statements that are actually hurtful to us.
Would survive a day in my body?
Monday, November 3, 2014
Night Bus-Super Hero
I drive buses part-time here in Ames, IA at night after my long days at my full-time job.
Stopped my 1B bus run today (which I never do because every trip is tight) and had a talk with my passengers about their conversation. People are just unreal. Wasn't going to bring this up but yeah.
Last night I stopped and had one guy get off for continuing to call this other passenger a "tranny" among other names that are even worse. The kid looked like they were about to cry. This guy and his friends didn't even know these kids (college students dressed in 4in heels and workin it). Anyways, yelled at them, they stopped except one. Made him get off.
Last night I stopped and had one guy get off for continuing to call this other passenger a "tranny" among other names that are even worse. The kid looked like they were about to cry. This guy and his friends didn't even know these kids (college students dressed in 4in heels and workin it). Anyways, yelled at them, they stopped except one. Made him get off.
Today, this guy is joking about how to keep your woman in line and was saying "...you hit her with the phone book because then it doesn't leave a mark but is just as heavy as your fist. You know, just knock her around a bit, ain't that right babe (to the girl he paid bus fare for when they got on)? One of his friends goes, "well I don't have a girlfriend so you guys gotta help me find a girl I can rape then." They all were laughing as they continued to talk. The whole conversation started because they put on the same fake tatt for their "white trash" costume and were joking about giving each-other aids by sharing the needle.
When I stopped the bus I stood up and walked back to them and simple said hey that's inappropriate, conversations about abusing your partner or going on a "rape hunt" as you put it will not be tolerated, especially on my bus. The one guy decided to tell me, I'll hit whoever I want and I was just joking. I got grew frustrated and so the whole bus got lectured. Doors shut, nobody got to leave! The people in the back thanked me when they got off, but I only hope something got through to the idiots in the front I was talking too. Is there any hope for our future with these kind of future leaders. smh.
When I stopped the bus I stood up and walked back to them and simple said hey that's inappropriate, conversations about abusing your partner or going on a "rape hunt" as you put it will not be tolerated, especially on my bus. The one guy decided to tell me, I'll hit whoever I want and I was just joking. I got grew frustrated and so the whole bus got lectured. Doors shut, nobody got to leave! The people in the back thanked me when they got off, but I only hope something got through to the idiots in the front I was talking too. Is there any hope for our future with these kind of future leaders. smh.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
When you reach a moment of clarity....
As someone who was diagnosed with being bipolar in 2007 five months before my 21st birthday, I have learned that things in my life operate differently. Now before being diagnosed, my life was always a roller-coaster, but at least now I have a reason for it. Lately life has thrown a lot of shots at me where I dodge a few, yet some others I take the shot straight on. The hit is good for me I tell myself. Now I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and people find a lot of my little tings hilarious, other one are annoying, but these help my cope. My need to wear red everyday for the past 19 years or eating with chopsticks/not using forks for 16 years doesn't really bother anyone particularly, but my obsession with even numbers is a different story. P.S. stop saying the weather is bipolar or saying you have OCD because you're a germ a phobe.
For reference, I work two jobs (one full-time and one part) and I go to school. With a busy schedule, I don't give my mind much of a chance to breathe let alone rest. I'll walk you through a typical week (meaning no extracurricular anything).
On Mondays I get up at 8:08am and head to campus. My first class is 9-9:50 and the second is 10-10:50 [my other two classes are online]. I then go to work at a domestic violence/sexual assault shelter and outreach facility where I'm scheduled 11am-7pm and I usually work only until about 6:30 on Mondays though. I then pack up and go to my part-time job driving buses for the city from 6:43pm- 10pm. Then I head home and do work for one online class and one class that meets until about 2am.
On Tuesdays, My light day: I go in and work 9-5 at my full-time job. Upon getting home, I clean, as my OCD usually keeps my from having episodes- Major Manic, or Severe Depression ones. I later sit down and work on the other two classes. Pack two lunches. If it happens to be a Tuesday close to the 15th I will go to the movies. Some Tuesdays I go see my counselor from 10-11am.
On Wednesdays: I follow my Monday start and work until 7pm. I go home, make a sandwich or food to go followed by parking my car to save gas (did I mention I pay for school out of pocket) and walk to the bus-stop to get to work. Afterwards I go to my bus job at 7:45pm and work until 10:30pm. I go and catch the bus home getting there about 11:20pm. Thus followed by work on the first online class while watching some shows on TV. pack lunch for tomorrow. Then bed at about 2:30/3am.
On Thursdays: Up at 8:08 I go in and work 9-5 usually traveling and covering all five counties on these days to see my youths. Then I go grab food if I didn't pack two lunches and head to my second job where I work 6-10pm. Followed by going home I work on the second class that meets on campus, grab a snack and watch TV. Bed time rolls around 4am usually.
On Fridays: I follow the same as MW, but I go home after work at seven. I clean some more, possibly do laundry, and try to do at least one thing school related. Followed by a shower or 30 minutes nap, I get dressed for the bus job and cook dinner. Going in at 10pm, I get off at 3am. I catch the bus to this shift as well and ride home with my roommate. We get home about 3:30am, make a snack, then finally unwinding to make it to bed between 4 and 5am.
On Saturdays: Up at noon to get washed and dressed for work. Catch the bus at 1:50pm and commence working. This meaning work 2:30pm- 10:30 pm at the bus job. I catch a bus home with all the drunks and paint or journal to debrief my week while talking to my pet turtle, Michelangelo.
Finally on Sundays: If I wake up in time, I go to church, then home to nap. If I don't get up in time, I wake up, dink some Minute Maid Orange Juice, no pulp, then homework all day, possibly dinner with a friend.
Now, I took this past Tuesday off. My game plan was to lay around and not do much of anything. But I've been afraid for quite sometime in my 28 years that if I sit still I will crash. Like a well oil-machine I get a lot done in my day to day life. I ended up scheduling multiple appointments starting at 10am and going until about 5pm. It was all fine and dandy as I was still flying on the coat-tails of the manic high I was on from about midday Sunday until Monday evening. The feeling of pure invincibility. I decided to go flirt with a guy I had been flirting with for a while and it turned out that nothing was going to happen there. Then I went to finalize the order for my new glasses and contacts and found out $300+ for one pair. So I decided that I slowed down too much and decided to ride the bus. It ended up being my roommate's bus and he invited himself to join me at the movie I planned on going alone to see.
After seeing The Judge, which by the way is a great movie, we went home and I felt the crash come. That moment of clarity hit me. This was going to be my life for the rest of my life. Bipolar doesn't go away. Up then down, plateau then all over again. How could I continue this path, who knew it would be like this and where was my heads up?
I sent an email to a professor who isn't the easiest to talk to nor is his class understandable to many. Today, I go to my first class and it takes everything in me to not start crying hysterically at a video of people doing random acts of kindness. I sat there with my hand over my mouth and my eyes swollen with tears. I then see my phone light up and it's an email response from the professor. This professor always makes me feel like a burden to have me in his class as with my disabilities things have to be done differently for me. His email was ranting to me while being very rude and blaming. I continued to grip my face tighter as to not cry. My household wasn't a place for crying growin up and I knew how to hold this in. Yet I found myself struggling.
Stepping into his class I turned my pain into anger, a stronger emotion, easier to control for me. I was still hurting inside and wanted to shout "DON'T Count ME Out," to this professor and just go home. Instead I stuck it out and hoped in my car headed to work. At work, I sat quietly at my desk with more time to think and the tears began to roll. Quietly getting up, I shut the door to my office and worked on emails and data instead of any person to person interaction while I cried. Moments of clarity are something that don't really work for me. My office mate came back to the office, so I wiped my face off and kept typing like everything was fine, but it wasn't. I was upset that this professor said I don't try and asked if I try at anything in my life. This is what I do, what I do everyday...I try and give my all! I give to the people, the professors, friends, etc trying to better every situation I encounter in my life and to say I don't try finally broke me. I called and cancelled all but one of my appointments. I knew today was not the day to try and inspire someone else.
So no more days off for me, no more giving my brain a chance to evaluate life, I will continue to keep trying to do my best and in doing so just keep swimming. I'll leave the moment of clarity for those of you who need it. Realizing the cycles will never stop and will only hit harder when I give myself a chance to think is just harder on me...I'll pass. Stop asking me if I'm okay, you are making it worse.
....Still lost in my thoughts
As someone who was diagnosed with being bipolar in 2007 five months before my 21st birthday, I have learned that things in my life operate differently. Now before being diagnosed, my life was always a roller-coaster, but at least now I have a reason for it. Lately life has thrown a lot of shots at me where I dodge a few, yet some others I take the shot straight on. The hit is good for me I tell myself. Now I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and people find a lot of my little tings hilarious, other one are annoying, but these help my cope. My need to wear red everyday for the past 19 years or eating with chopsticks/not using forks for 16 years doesn't really bother anyone particularly, but my obsession with even numbers is a different story. P.S. stop saying the weather is bipolar or saying you have OCD because you're a germ a phobe.
For reference, I work two jobs (one full-time and one part) and I go to school. With a busy schedule, I don't give my mind much of a chance to breathe let alone rest. I'll walk you through a typical week (meaning no extracurricular anything).
On Mondays I get up at 8:08am and head to campus. My first class is 9-9:50 and the second is 10-10:50 [my other two classes are online]. I then go to work at a domestic violence/sexual assault shelter and outreach facility where I'm scheduled 11am-7pm and I usually work only until about 6:30 on Mondays though. I then pack up and go to my part-time job driving buses for the city from 6:43pm- 10pm. Then I head home and do work for one online class and one class that meets until about 2am.
On Tuesdays, My light day: I go in and work 9-5 at my full-time job. Upon getting home, I clean, as my OCD usually keeps my from having episodes- Major Manic, or Severe Depression ones. I later sit down and work on the other two classes. Pack two lunches. If it happens to be a Tuesday close to the 15th I will go to the movies. Some Tuesdays I go see my counselor from 10-11am.
On Wednesdays: I follow my Monday start and work until 7pm. I go home, make a sandwich or food to go followed by parking my car to save gas (did I mention I pay for school out of pocket) and walk to the bus-stop to get to work. Afterwards I go to my bus job at 7:45pm and work until 10:30pm. I go and catch the bus home getting there about 11:20pm. Thus followed by work on the first online class while watching some shows on TV. pack lunch for tomorrow. Then bed at about 2:30/3am.
On Thursdays: Up at 8:08 I go in and work 9-5 usually traveling and covering all five counties on these days to see my youths. Then I go grab food if I didn't pack two lunches and head to my second job where I work 6-10pm. Followed by going home I work on the second class that meets on campus, grab a snack and watch TV. Bed time rolls around 4am usually.
On Fridays: I follow the same as MW, but I go home after work at seven. I clean some more, possibly do laundry, and try to do at least one thing school related. Followed by a shower or 30 minutes nap, I get dressed for the bus job and cook dinner. Going in at 10pm, I get off at 3am. I catch the bus to this shift as well and ride home with my roommate. We get home about 3:30am, make a snack, then finally unwinding to make it to bed between 4 and 5am.
On Saturdays: Up at noon to get washed and dressed for work. Catch the bus at 1:50pm and commence working. This meaning work 2:30pm- 10:30 pm at the bus job. I catch a bus home with all the drunks and paint or journal to debrief my week while talking to my pet turtle, Michelangelo.
Finally on Sundays: If I wake up in time, I go to church, then home to nap. If I don't get up in time, I wake up, dink some Minute Maid Orange Juice, no pulp, then homework all day, possibly dinner with a friend.
Now, I took this past Tuesday off. My game plan was to lay around and not do much of anything. But I've been afraid for quite sometime in my 28 years that if I sit still I will crash. Like a well oil-machine I get a lot done in my day to day life. I ended up scheduling multiple appointments starting at 10am and going until about 5pm. It was all fine and dandy as I was still flying on the coat-tails of the manic high I was on from about midday Sunday until Monday evening. The feeling of pure invincibility. I decided to go flirt with a guy I had been flirting with for a while and it turned out that nothing was going to happen there. Then I went to finalize the order for my new glasses and contacts and found out $300+ for one pair. So I decided that I slowed down too much and decided to ride the bus. It ended up being my roommate's bus and he invited himself to join me at the movie I planned on going alone to see.
After seeing The Judge, which by the way is a great movie, we went home and I felt the crash come. That moment of clarity hit me. This was going to be my life for the rest of my life. Bipolar doesn't go away. Up then down, plateau then all over again. How could I continue this path, who knew it would be like this and where was my heads up?
I sent an email to a professor who isn't the easiest to talk to nor is his class understandable to many. Today, I go to my first class and it takes everything in me to not start crying hysterically at a video of people doing random acts of kindness. I sat there with my hand over my mouth and my eyes swollen with tears. I then see my phone light up and it's an email response from the professor. This professor always makes me feel like a burden to have me in his class as with my disabilities things have to be done differently for me. His email was ranting to me while being very rude and blaming. I continued to grip my face tighter as to not cry. My household wasn't a place for crying growin up and I knew how to hold this in. Yet I found myself struggling.
Stepping into his class I turned my pain into anger, a stronger emotion, easier to control for me. I was still hurting inside and wanted to shout "DON'T Count ME Out," to this professor and just go home. Instead I stuck it out and hoped in my car headed to work. At work, I sat quietly at my desk with more time to think and the tears began to roll. Quietly getting up, I shut the door to my office and worked on emails and data instead of any person to person interaction while I cried. Moments of clarity are something that don't really work for me. My office mate came back to the office, so I wiped my face off and kept typing like everything was fine, but it wasn't. I was upset that this professor said I don't try and asked if I try at anything in my life. This is what I do, what I do everyday...I try and give my all! I give to the people, the professors, friends, etc trying to better every situation I encounter in my life and to say I don't try finally broke me. I called and cancelled all but one of my appointments. I knew today was not the day to try and inspire someone else.
So no more days off for me, no more giving my brain a chance to evaluate life, I will continue to keep trying to do my best and in doing so just keep swimming. I'll leave the moment of clarity for those of you who need it. Realizing the cycles will never stop and will only hit harder when I give myself a chance to think is just harder on me...I'll pass. Stop asking me if I'm okay, you are making it worse.
....Still lost in my thoughts
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Random thought
When I'm famous some day, people will say, "hey, I knew her back when..."
When the ice on the cold streets was a playground for kids, slippery slopes
When the little tomboy girl couldn't jump ropes,
When time didn't matter and it wasn't yet about who I became,
When everything was simply about how you play the game.
When I was funny,
When I had no money,
When I was in school
When I was yet to be cool.
But...
The chances are I won't remember you because when I was talking about it, you wanted nothing to do with it. hmmm
I hope my book gets published soon and the world knows my story. You know the song I wanna be a billionaire so fricky bad... I don't, no one would ever see me again (hahah,) if that happened. It's lonely at the top. I just want others to read my story and tell me it was cool that I could write that. If something happened to me, no one would be able to know.
So I give you glimpses into what is important in my life when you read my book. I don't have any followers, but that has not stopped me from reflecting and sharing my thoughts. I want to be peaceful and live happily, so I try. Sometimes writing helps me get everything out; thus making me one step closer to being/realizing zen. I read a blog today from a friend called realizing zen and my mind soared into thinking what could be. If only we had an eye opening inspiration everyday. I believe life would be grand!!
Well I should be working on finishing my book right now so I digress, later.
When the ice on the cold streets was a playground for kids, slippery slopes
When the little tomboy girl couldn't jump ropes,
When time didn't matter and it wasn't yet about who I became,
When everything was simply about how you play the game.
When I was funny,
When I had no money,
When I was in school
When I was yet to be cool.
But...
The chances are I won't remember you because when I was talking about it, you wanted nothing to do with it. hmmm
I hope my book gets published soon and the world knows my story. You know the song I wanna be a billionaire so fricky bad... I don't, no one would ever see me again (hahah,) if that happened. It's lonely at the top. I just want others to read my story and tell me it was cool that I could write that. If something happened to me, no one would be able to know.
So I give you glimpses into what is important in my life when you read my book. I don't have any followers, but that has not stopped me from reflecting and sharing my thoughts. I want to be peaceful and live happily, so I try. Sometimes writing helps me get everything out; thus making me one step closer to being/realizing zen. I read a blog today from a friend called realizing zen and my mind soared into thinking what could be. If only we had an eye opening inspiration everyday. I believe life would be grand!!
Well I should be working on finishing my book right now so I digress, later.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving Reflection
I'm not sure how to accurately articulate what I'm feeling but I felt I should say something. My waves have carried me too far from the shore and I can't turn back now.
It's Thanksgiving and I'm sure I have a lot to be thankful for but that is not on my mind right now. I'd like to say Happy Thanksgiving to all and any who read this. I read on To Write Love on Her Arms that today we are suppose to be grateful and thankful for what we have and look back over the last year and see how far we've come. I feel like I have taken a step backwards from where I was last year and I'm struggling to see the rainbow that's in the sky.
I know that five years ago I didn't know or have any clue where i'd be today and didn't think about it either. Let's recap; Freshman and Junior year I went to Cleveland and I smiled for those around me on a holiday I'm not particularly fond of. Sophomore and Senior year I stayed in Ames and went to Rachel Kapke's house and pretended to be part of a family that wasn't mine. And last year, I was at Kasandra's house (more part of a family). Today I sit here in my three bedroom apartment alone and think.
We should be thankful for those we have and those who want to be there for us. If we don't embrace the others around us and step into their lives we will be stuck in this world of ours and end up all alone on the one day of the year we are suppose to be with those we care about and those that care about us. Every year we are suppose to laugh and smile, cry and feel pain, laugh until we cry; it's a balancing act. Now right now my scale is very lopsided and I'm working to fix that problem. If I could say everything that I wanted to, you'd probably want to hug me then I'd feel more uncomfortable. I'm very rarely a huggy person. My dad's wife once said that you guys don't hug very much after my father and I high-fived one another in a clearly hugging moment. It was normal to us yet different to others eyes I suppose.
Now I sit here watching this TV I've had since I was around 10years old and I'm thankful for all those that have come through my life and the few that have stuck it out with someone as crazy as me. I'd like to apologize to all those I've hurt throughout the short time period I've lived and say please forgive me. I know I constantly push people away and rarely let anyone in, my bad yo. It's a very powerful defense mechanism that makes days like today come very often. I'd like to take a moment and just say Thank you; you know who you are. Lately, I've been able to imagine myself years from now and that was not something that I ever really did, I've learned a lot and want to share with whomever is still reading to be thankful and take every event as a learning experience. Now I'm sure I could be with people somewhere right now, but I wouldn't have been much fun, so I digress; this is where I reside. Loved lost, smiles faded, friends departed, times changed, I'm in pain sometimes, yes a lot has occured since last Turkey day, hmmm, oh well. Enjoy yours and live for the moment.
Happy Thanksgiving all,
~Nas
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