When you reach a moment of clarity....

As someone who was diagnosed with being bipolar in 2007 five months before my 21st birthday, I have learned that things in my life operate differently. Now before being diagnosed, my life was always a roller-coaster, but at least now I have a reason for it. Lately life has thrown a lot of shots at me where I dodge a few, yet some others I take the shot straight on. The hit is good for me I tell myself. Now I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and people find a lot of my little tings hilarious, other one are annoying, but these help my cope. My need to wear red everyday for the past 19 years or eating with chopsticks/not using forks for 16 years doesn't really bother anyone particularly, but my obsession with even numbers is a different story. P.S. stop saying the weather is bipolar or saying you have OCD because you're a germ a phobe.

For reference, I work two jobs (one full-time and one part) and I go to school. With a busy schedule, I don't give my mind much of a chance to breathe let alone rest. I'll walk you through a typical week (meaning no extracurricular anything).
On Mondays I get up at 8:08am and head to campus. My first class is 9-9:50 and the second is 10-10:50 [my other two classes are online]. I then go to work at a domestic violence/sexual assault shelter and outreach facility where I'm scheduled 11am-7pm and I usually work only until about 6:30 on Mondays though. I then pack up and go to my part-time job driving buses for the city from 6:43pm- 10pm. Then I head home and do work for one online class and one class that meets until about 2am.
On Tuesdays, My light day: I go in and work 9-5 at my full-time job. Upon getting home, I clean, as my OCD usually keeps my from having episodes- Major Manic, or Severe Depression ones. I later sit down and work on the other two classes. Pack two lunches. If it happens to be a Tuesday close to the 15th I will go to the movies. Some Tuesdays I go see my counselor from 10-11am.
On Wednesdays: I follow my Monday start and work until 7pm. I go home, make a sandwich or food to go followed by parking my car to save gas (did I mention I pay for school out of pocket) and walk to the bus-stop to get to work. Afterwards I go to my bus job at 7:45pm and work until 10:30pm. I go and catch the bus home getting there about 11:20pm. Thus followed by work on the first online class while watching some shows on TV. pack lunch for tomorrow. Then bed at about 2:30/3am.
On Thursdays: Up at 8:08 I go in and work 9-5 usually traveling and covering all five counties on these days to see my youths. Then I go grab food if I didn't pack two lunches and head to my second job where I work 6-10pm. Followed by going home I work on the second class that meets on campus, grab a snack and watch TV. Bed time rolls around 4am usually.
On Fridays: I follow the same as MW, but I go home after work at seven. I clean some more, possibly do laundry, and try to do at least one thing school related. Followed by a shower or 30 minutes nap, I get dressed for the bus job and cook dinner. Going in at 10pm, I get off at 3am. I catch the bus to this shift as well and ride home with my roommate. We get home about 3:30am, make a snack, then finally unwinding to make it to bed between 4 and 5am.
On Saturdays: Up at noon to get washed and dressed for work. Catch the bus at 1:50pm and commence working. This meaning work 2:30pm- 10:30 pm at the bus job. I catch a bus home with all the drunks and paint or journal to debrief my week while talking to my pet turtle, Michelangelo.
Finally on Sundays: If I wake up in time, I go to church, then home to nap. If I don't get up in time, I wake up, dink some Minute Maid Orange Juice, no pulp, then homework all day, possibly dinner with a friend.

Now, I took this past Tuesday off. My game plan was to lay around and not do much of anything. But I've been afraid for quite sometime in my 28 years that if I sit still I will crash. Like a well oil-machine I get a lot done in my day to day life. I ended up scheduling multiple appointments starting at 10am and going until about 5pm. It was all fine and dandy as I was still flying on the coat-tails of the manic high I was on from about midday Sunday until Monday evening. The feeling of pure invincibility. I decided to go flirt with a guy I had been flirting with for a while and it turned out that nothing was going to happen there. Then I went to finalize the order for my new glasses and contacts and found out $300+ for one pair. So I decided that I slowed down too much and decided to ride the bus. It ended up being my roommate's bus and he invited himself to join me at the movie I planned on going alone to see.

After seeing The Judge, which by the way is a great movie, we went home and I felt the crash come. That moment of clarity hit me. This was going to be my life for the rest of my life. Bipolar doesn't go away. Up then down, plateau then all over again. How could I continue this path, who knew it would be like this and where was my heads up?
I sent an email to a professor who isn't the easiest to talk to nor is his class understandable to many. Today, I go to my first class and it takes everything in me to not start crying hysterically at a video of people doing random acts of kindness. I sat there with my hand over my mouth and my eyes swollen with tears. I then see my phone light up and it's an email response from the professor. This professor always makes me feel like a burden to have me in his class as with my disabilities things have to be done differently for me. His email was ranting to me while being very rude and blaming. I continued to grip my face tighter as to not cry. My household wasn't a place for crying growin up and I knew how to hold this in. Yet I found myself struggling.

Stepping into his class I turned my pain into anger, a stronger emotion, easier to control for me. I was still hurting inside and wanted to shout "DON'T Count ME Out," to this professor and just go home. Instead I stuck it out and hoped in my car headed to work. At work, I sat quietly at my desk with more time to think and the tears began to roll. Quietly getting up, I shut the door to my office and worked on emails and data instead of any person to person interaction while I cried. Moments of clarity are something that don't really work for me. My office mate came back to the office, so I wiped my face off and kept typing like everything was fine, but it wasn't. I was upset that this professor said I don't try and asked if I try at anything in my life. This is what I do, what I do everyday...I try and give my all! I give to the people, the professors, friends, etc trying to better every situation I encounter in my life and to say I don't try finally broke me. I called and cancelled all but one of my appointments. I knew today was not the day to try and inspire someone else.

So no more days off for me, no more giving my brain a chance to evaluate life, I will continue to keep trying to do my best and in doing so just keep swimming. I'll leave the moment of clarity for those of you who need it. Realizing the cycles will never stop and will only hit harder when I give myself a chance to think is just harder on me...I'll pass. Stop asking me if I'm okay, you are making it worse.

....Still lost in my thoughts