Back in 2007 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the type later to be identified as Bipolar NOS. I was a few months shy of being 21. It was a rough few years prior and I always knew something was wrong. With that being said, my family did not believe in mental illness or accept anything but heterosexism. Being a minority really did shape my ideals and understanding of mental illness and my position on it. I've probably struggled with this since I was 12 years old: two things, first, you usually don't diagnose a child that young with something so serious or stigmatizing, second, we didn't believe it existed. When I got to college a few years prior, heck, I thought my whole life was normal. Going to college showed me that the families I saw on TV weren't just TV families and that some really existed. So my perception changed. What I didn't believe in before was real.
Now, a couple months shy of 30, I've had my fair share highs and lows....medicated and non-medicated. Its been hard and I only know accept that. Trying to explain my OCD to some friends today for OCD awareness week also made me realize that I use a lot of my rituals/patterns to help me cope with cycling. The weather is not struggling to get by in society, it's not realizing it will forever be alone, it's not dreaming about stabilizing it's mood, and so much more. Saying it should pick the weather type already...it's so bipolar. I struggle everyday trying to be "normal" or calm my OCD! Most don't know the struggle most won't ever understand.
Now, I'm always the friend, not bestfriend, not bride, not girlfriend, not lover, not included in friend group, etc. I'm the one that everybody says is so funny, creative, mind everywhere, charismatic, nice, caring, etc. But when my cycle takes me the other way I'm out of site. I'm not invited to things, I sit on my floor Friday nights I'm not working and think, just think for hours, this is me. I hurt. I bleed like everyone else. As my ex snoreso in my bed because she needed somewhere to stay I think about how she is still pining over the one that cheated on her, that made her feel like crap 3/4 of their relationship, did her wrong in so many ways. I think of her, just like I do all my friends and want to help. I'm taken advantage of. Then I cycle faster, I can be elated then I absorb all of their pain, their trials never touching on mine. Then I go from hypomania to depression really fast. As the kids say, 0-100 real quick.
I've been on so many different types of med and different psychologists it's crazy. Glad my counselor has stuck through it with me. I can't say that for one single friend in the past 9-10years dealing with this. I'm hurting and don't know what to do. Luckily with bipolar you need a lot less sleep. So I'm gonna go Uber and then go to Perkins at 3am, then come home and sleep on the floor. I've contemplated many of life's decisions. Good night for now, see you tomorrow. Stay on top of the world. Bipolar is real.
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