Have you ever fallen deeply in love with someone but for whatever reason it did not work out. Only to later find out that that was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
What do you do in that moment when you realize that you might be alone forever because you miss the opportunity with your soulmate?
When they call you every time they havr a break up with someone crying and talking to you about that situation...so because you care, you want to be that friend for them, to be that best friend because you just want to see them happy. You just really want them to be ok and smile again, especially if they are hurting so bad from whatever that person did them. No matter how much you want to say I love you and I care about you and I could never do to you what they have done to you...you know in that moment and in that time that what they really need is you as a friend.
So you stay there as a friend, later "friendzoned" and you let them know how much they are a valuable person, how much people care about them, how much they are needed in this world, how they deserve better, to make sure that they feel good again regardless of how much you hurt inside sEwing themail hurt. Knowing if you could change anything in their life, you would change all the sorrow, heartbreak, and pain that they have endured, you just want to wish the best for them and for everyone they encounter. If their happiness is without you, so be it. That happiness is what'she most important to you for all your friends because that'she the type of person you are. Some may take advantage of you, others won'the know they are, and the rest will get the love you are sending and respect the respect.
Interesting to see that no matter how many times someone breaks their heart, or does them wrong, they call you and they talk to you...they know there is a connection there and you know it too. But for some reason you can't be together, so you accept it and understand that you might be alone forever.
I've been there, done that. Seen plenty of things, good and bad. Lived a pretty full life before I was even in the heart of college. I've fallen in love obviously. Had sex, drove a car/stick shift/bus/trailer/truck/etc, learned another language, been beaten by family, sexually abused, beat up a good number of folks for picking on the wrong kids, seen fires ruin homes, lived through a war &911, done fostercare, and so much more. Left on my bucket list: open a residential facility for teens....get married/then have a child.
I love my job, but the way money is and student loans, I don't think the residential thing will workout at this point in my life. Also, as stated before, the one I was to marry me, won't happen...even as they lay here I'm my bed and I sit here on the floor at 346am writing this. You have accepted forever alone. From what you've learned in life...some things aren't meant to be and not everyone gets their happy ending. Especially for a kid from the hood (East Cleveland, Oh) that's been through hell &got trapped in Iowa. Tis life was what you were taught. Good night, good bye, hit me up if you need to talk. Anyone, it's what I do. I'm an advocate, counselor, FRIEND!
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Friday, October 14, 2016
I'm bipolar, please stop comparing my condition to the weather
Back in 2007 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the type later to be identified as Bipolar NOS. I was a few months shy of being 21. It was a rough few years prior and I always knew something was wrong. With that being said, my family did not believe in mental illness or accept anything but heterosexism. Being a minority really did shape my ideals and understanding of mental illness and my position on it. I've probably struggled with this since I was 12 years old: two things, first, you usually don't diagnose a child that young with something so serious or stigmatizing, second, we didn't believe it existed. When I got to college a few years prior, heck, I thought my whole life was normal. Going to college showed me that the families I saw on TV weren't just TV families and that some really existed. So my perception changed. What I didn't believe in before was real.
Now, a couple months shy of 30, I've had my fair share highs and lows....medicated and non-medicated. Its been hard and I only know accept that. Trying to explain my OCD to some friends today for OCD awareness week also made me realize that I use a lot of my rituals/patterns to help me cope with cycling. The weather is not struggling to get by in society, it's not realizing it will forever be alone, it's not dreaming about stabilizing it's mood, and so much more. Saying it should pick the weather type already...it's so bipolar. I struggle everyday trying to be "normal" or calm my OCD! Most don't know the struggle most won't ever understand.
Now, I'm always the friend, not bestfriend, not bride, not girlfriend, not lover, not included in friend group, etc. I'm the one that everybody says is so funny, creative, mind everywhere, charismatic, nice, caring, etc. But when my cycle takes me the other way I'm out of site. I'm not invited to things, I sit on my floor Friday nights I'm not working and think, just think for hours, this is me. I hurt. I bleed like everyone else. As my ex snoreso in my bed because she needed somewhere to stay I think about how she is still pining over the one that cheated on her, that made her feel like crap 3/4 of their relationship, did her wrong in so many ways. I think of her, just like I do all my friends and want to help. I'm taken advantage of. Then I cycle faster, I can be elated then I absorb all of their pain, their trials never touching on mine. Then I go from hypomania to depression really fast. As the kids say, 0-100 real quick.
I've been on so many different types of med and different psychologists it's crazy. Glad my counselor has stuck through it with me. I can't say that for one single friend in the past 9-10years dealing with this. I'm hurting and don't know what to do. Luckily with bipolar you need a lot less sleep. So I'm gonna go Uber and then go to Perkins at 3am, then come home and sleep on the floor. I've contemplated many of life's decisions. Good night for now, see you tomorrow. Stay on top of the world. Bipolar is real.
Now, a couple months shy of 30, I've had my fair share highs and lows....medicated and non-medicated. Its been hard and I only know accept that. Trying to explain my OCD to some friends today for OCD awareness week also made me realize that I use a lot of my rituals/patterns to help me cope with cycling. The weather is not struggling to get by in society, it's not realizing it will forever be alone, it's not dreaming about stabilizing it's mood, and so much more. Saying it should pick the weather type already...it's so bipolar. I struggle everyday trying to be "normal" or calm my OCD! Most don't know the struggle most won't ever understand.
Now, I'm always the friend, not bestfriend, not bride, not girlfriend, not lover, not included in friend group, etc. I'm the one that everybody says is so funny, creative, mind everywhere, charismatic, nice, caring, etc. But when my cycle takes me the other way I'm out of site. I'm not invited to things, I sit on my floor Friday nights I'm not working and think, just think for hours, this is me. I hurt. I bleed like everyone else. As my ex snoreso in my bed because she needed somewhere to stay I think about how she is still pining over the one that cheated on her, that made her feel like crap 3/4 of their relationship, did her wrong in so many ways. I think of her, just like I do all my friends and want to help. I'm taken advantage of. Then I cycle faster, I can be elated then I absorb all of their pain, their trials never touching on mine. Then I go from hypomania to depression really fast. As the kids say, 0-100 real quick.
I've been on so many different types of med and different psychologists it's crazy. Glad my counselor has stuck through it with me. I can't say that for one single friend in the past 9-10years dealing with this. I'm hurting and don't know what to do. Luckily with bipolar you need a lot less sleep. So I'm gonna go Uber and then go to Perkins at 3am, then come home and sleep on the floor. I've contemplated many of life's decisions. Good night for now, see you tomorrow. Stay on top of the world. Bipolar is real.
My OCD mind...
My OCD:
I already know many won't read this, not worried at all.
Like I joke around a lot about having OCD, ....today and this week, I've been trying to share resources and be a bit more open about it, but it's hard. I struggle everyday to hide the more extreme rituals and patterns of my OCD. The ones folks do see; for instance the counting, you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. It does stress me out, a lot to try and withhold some of these things and in doing so, I think about them for the next few days/weeks/months/even years, replaying one event over and over in my mind. They will over lap with many other events/situations/conversations/interactions that are still in the cycling motion of leaving my mind. I like to say I live in my own world of organized chaos. I know all these random dates, full of random useless knowledge (that I read in a book in the library in E.C, in 6th grade or when I would sleep in the tree by the armory after I left Parks too late reading a letter of the encyclopedia when I couldn't sleep), the most random conversations, and everything in between is all cataloged in my brain. I read random articles all the time trying to figure me out, so please know you don't have me figured out, because I'm still working on me (one article is shared here in the comment). Some of it appears chaotic to most, but to me it helps me survive. Some know of my mental illness that I have as well, others do not. So when they try to "cure" or "treat" my OCD it revs it up more and sometimes triggers anxiety, so knowing that at times it is the only thing that helps me when my mental illness is truly effecting me. I can joke about the things I share with you guys because that is where my comfort-ability ends with those particular things. I love the posts that are shared with me about "why would someone do this" and there is one square off in a pattern on the sidewalk, or the gas mileage vs money paid, these things make me feel like others understand whether they do or don't. It's just a daily struggle and many times gets the best of me. I've counted almost every step I've taken (to places I have to go to frequently) since I've been in Iowa: how many steps to Bessey from OE, to Culver's from west Ames when I worked there, general actual steps in buildings, etc. I eat everything very intricately. Some of these things impede my day until I can get it just right. The list goes on. I do appreciate friends who will just carry on with whatever they are doing when I'm doing some random thing next to them or slow down when we're walking because they notice I need a minute, thank you. I know many that won't talk about it, but I figured for this week only here you go, a taste of my mind. One thing that does bother me is when people say oh that's a bit of my OCD and it's not...like because you are a clean-freak doesn't mean you have OCD, it means you like things clean, and I commend that! Or statements that are actually hurtful to us.
Would survive a day in my body?
I already know many won't read this, not worried at all.
Like I joke around a lot about having OCD, ....today and this week, I've been trying to share resources and be a bit more open about it, but it's hard. I struggle everyday to hide the more extreme rituals and patterns of my OCD. The ones folks do see; for instance the counting, you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. It does stress me out, a lot to try and withhold some of these things and in doing so, I think about them for the next few days/weeks/months/even years, replaying one event over and over in my mind. They will over lap with many other events/situations/conversations/interactions that are still in the cycling motion of leaving my mind. I like to say I live in my own world of organized chaos. I know all these random dates, full of random useless knowledge (that I read in a book in the library in E.C, in 6th grade or when I would sleep in the tree by the armory after I left Parks too late reading a letter of the encyclopedia when I couldn't sleep), the most random conversations, and everything in between is all cataloged in my brain. I read random articles all the time trying to figure me out, so please know you don't have me figured out, because I'm still working on me (one article is shared here in the comment). Some of it appears chaotic to most, but to me it helps me survive. Some know of my mental illness that I have as well, others do not. So when they try to "cure" or "treat" my OCD it revs it up more and sometimes triggers anxiety, so knowing that at times it is the only thing that helps me when my mental illness is truly effecting me. I can joke about the things I share with you guys because that is where my comfort-ability ends with those particular things. I love the posts that are shared with me about "why would someone do this" and there is one square off in a pattern on the sidewalk, or the gas mileage vs money paid, these things make me feel like others understand whether they do or don't. It's just a daily struggle and many times gets the best of me. I've counted almost every step I've taken (to places I have to go to frequently) since I've been in Iowa: how many steps to Bessey from OE, to Culver's from west Ames when I worked there, general actual steps in buildings, etc. I eat everything very intricately. Some of these things impede my day until I can get it just right. The list goes on. I do appreciate friends who will just carry on with whatever they are doing when I'm doing some random thing next to them or slow down when we're walking because they notice I need a minute, thank you. I know many that won't talk about it, but I figured for this week only here you go, a taste of my mind. One thing that does bother me is when people say oh that's a bit of my OCD and it's not...like because you are a clean-freak doesn't mean you have OCD, it means you like things clean, and I commend that! Or statements that are actually hurtful to us.
Would survive a day in my body?
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