Night Bus-Super Hero

I drive buses part-time here in Ames, IA at night after my long days at my full-time job.

Stopped my 1B bus run today (which I never do because every trip is tight) and had a talk with my passengers about their conversation. People are just unreal. Wasn't going to bring this up but yeah.
Last night I stopped and had one guy get off for continuing to call this other passenger a "tranny" among other names that are even worse. The kid looked like they were about to cry. This guy and his friends didn't even know these kids (college students dressed in 4in heels and workin it). Anyways, yelled at them, they stopped except one. Made him get off.

Today, this guy is joking about how to keep your woman in line and was saying "...you hit her with the phone book because then it doesn't leave a mark but is just as heavy as your fist. You know, just knock her around a bit, ain't that right babe (to the girl he paid bus fare for when they got on)? One of his friends goes, "well I don't have a girlfriend so you guys gotta help me find a girl I can rape then." They all were laughing as they continued to talk. The whole conversation started because they put on the same fake tatt for their "white trash" costume and were joking about giving each-other aids by sharing the needle.
When I stopped the bus I stood up and walked back to them and simple said hey that's inappropriate, conversations about abusing your partner or going on a "rape hunt" as you put it will not be tolerated, especially on my bus. The one guy decided to tell me, I'll hit whoever I want and I was just joking. I got grew frustrated and so the whole bus got lectured. Doors shut, nobody got to leave! The people in the back thanked me when they got off, but I only hope something got through to the idiots in the front I was talking too. Is there any hope for our future with these kind of future leaders. smh.

When you reach a moment of clarity....

As someone who was diagnosed with being bipolar in 2007 five months before my 21st birthday, I have learned that things in my life operate differently. Now before being diagnosed, my life was always a roller-coaster, but at least now I have a reason for it. Lately life has thrown a lot of shots at me where I dodge a few, yet some others I take the shot straight on. The hit is good for me I tell myself. Now I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and people find a lot of my little tings hilarious, other one are annoying, but these help my cope. My need to wear red everyday for the past 19 years or eating with chopsticks/not using forks for 16 years doesn't really bother anyone particularly, but my obsession with even numbers is a different story. P.S. stop saying the weather is bipolar or saying you have OCD because you're a germ a phobe.

For reference, I work two jobs (one full-time and one part) and I go to school. With a busy schedule, I don't give my mind much of a chance to breathe let alone rest. I'll walk you through a typical week (meaning no extracurricular anything).
On Mondays I get up at 8:08am and head to campus. My first class is 9-9:50 and the second is 10-10:50 [my other two classes are online]. I then go to work at a domestic violence/sexual assault shelter and outreach facility where I'm scheduled 11am-7pm and I usually work only until about 6:30 on Mondays though. I then pack up and go to my part-time job driving buses for the city from 6:43pm- 10pm. Then I head home and do work for one online class and one class that meets until about 2am.
On Tuesdays, My light day: I go in and work 9-5 at my full-time job. Upon getting home, I clean, as my OCD usually keeps my from having episodes- Major Manic, or Severe Depression ones. I later sit down and work on the other two classes. Pack two lunches. If it happens to be a Tuesday close to the 15th I will go to the movies. Some Tuesdays I go see my counselor from 10-11am.
On Wednesdays: I follow my Monday start and work until 7pm. I go home, make a sandwich or food to go followed by parking my car to save gas (did I mention I pay for school out of pocket) and walk to the bus-stop to get to work. Afterwards I go to my bus job at 7:45pm and work until 10:30pm. I go and catch the bus home getting there about 11:20pm. Thus followed by work on the first online class while watching some shows on TV. pack lunch for tomorrow. Then bed at about 2:30/3am.
On Thursdays: Up at 8:08 I go in and work 9-5 usually traveling and covering all five counties on these days to see my youths. Then I go grab food if I didn't pack two lunches and head to my second job where I work 6-10pm. Followed by going home I work on the second class that meets on campus, grab a snack and watch TV. Bed time rolls around 4am usually.
On Fridays: I follow the same as MW, but I go home after work at seven. I clean some more, possibly do laundry, and try to do at least one thing school related. Followed by a shower or 30 minutes nap, I get dressed for the bus job and cook dinner. Going in at 10pm, I get off at 3am. I catch the bus to this shift as well and ride home with my roommate. We get home about 3:30am, make a snack, then finally unwinding to make it to bed between 4 and 5am.
On Saturdays: Up at noon to get washed and dressed for work. Catch the bus at 1:50pm and commence working. This meaning work 2:30pm- 10:30 pm at the bus job. I catch a bus home with all the drunks and paint or journal to debrief my week while talking to my pet turtle, Michelangelo.
Finally on Sundays: If I wake up in time, I go to church, then home to nap. If I don't get up in time, I wake up, dink some Minute Maid Orange Juice, no pulp, then homework all day, possibly dinner with a friend.

Now, I took this past Tuesday off. My game plan was to lay around and not do much of anything. But I've been afraid for quite sometime in my 28 years that if I sit still I will crash. Like a well oil-machine I get a lot done in my day to day life. I ended up scheduling multiple appointments starting at 10am and going until about 5pm. It was all fine and dandy as I was still flying on the coat-tails of the manic high I was on from about midday Sunday until Monday evening. The feeling of pure invincibility. I decided to go flirt with a guy I had been flirting with for a while and it turned out that nothing was going to happen there. Then I went to finalize the order for my new glasses and contacts and found out $300+ for one pair. So I decided that I slowed down too much and decided to ride the bus. It ended up being my roommate's bus and he invited himself to join me at the movie I planned on going alone to see.

After seeing The Judge, which by the way is a great movie, we went home and I felt the crash come. That moment of clarity hit me. This was going to be my life for the rest of my life. Bipolar doesn't go away. Up then down, plateau then all over again. How could I continue this path, who knew it would be like this and where was my heads up?
I sent an email to a professor who isn't the easiest to talk to nor is his class understandable to many. Today, I go to my first class and it takes everything in me to not start crying hysterically at a video of people doing random acts of kindness. I sat there with my hand over my mouth and my eyes swollen with tears. I then see my phone light up and it's an email response from the professor. This professor always makes me feel like a burden to have me in his class as with my disabilities things have to be done differently for me. His email was ranting to me while being very rude and blaming. I continued to grip my face tighter as to not cry. My household wasn't a place for crying growin up and I knew how to hold this in. Yet I found myself struggling.

Stepping into his class I turned my pain into anger, a stronger emotion, easier to control for me. I was still hurting inside and wanted to shout "DON'T Count ME Out," to this professor and just go home. Instead I stuck it out and hoped in my car headed to work. At work, I sat quietly at my desk with more time to think and the tears began to roll. Quietly getting up, I shut the door to my office and worked on emails and data instead of any person to person interaction while I cried. Moments of clarity are something that don't really work for me. My office mate came back to the office, so I wiped my face off and kept typing like everything was fine, but it wasn't. I was upset that this professor said I don't try and asked if I try at anything in my life. This is what I do, what I do everyday...I try and give my all! I give to the people, the professors, friends, etc trying to better every situation I encounter in my life and to say I don't try finally broke me. I called and cancelled all but one of my appointments. I knew today was not the day to try and inspire someone else.

So no more days off for me, no more giving my brain a chance to evaluate life, I will continue to keep trying to do my best and in doing so just keep swimming. I'll leave the moment of clarity for those of you who need it. Realizing the cycles will never stop and will only hit harder when I give myself a chance to think is just harder on me...I'll pass. Stop asking me if I'm okay, you are making it worse.

....Still lost in my thoughts

Random thought

When I'm famous some day, people will say, "hey, I knew her back when..."

When the ice on the cold streets was a playground for kids, slippery slopes
When the little tomboy girl couldn't jump ropes,
When time didn't matter and it wasn't yet about who I became,
When everything was simply about how you play the game.
When I was funny,
When I had no money,
When I was in school
When I was yet to be cool.
But...
The chances are I won't remember you because when I was talking about it, you wanted nothing to do with it. hmmm

I hope my book gets published soon and the world knows my story. You know the song I wanna be a billionaire so fricky bad... I don't, no one would ever see me again (hahah,) if that happened. It's lonely at the top. I just want others to read my story and tell me it was cool that I could write that. If something happened to me, no one would be able to know.

So I give you glimpses into what is important in my life when you read my book. I don't have any followers, but that has not stopped me from reflecting and sharing my thoughts. I want to be peaceful and live happily, so I try. Sometimes writing helps me get everything out; thus making me one step closer to being/realizing zen. I read a blog today from a friend called realizing zen and my mind soared into thinking what could be. If only we had an eye opening inspiration everyday. I believe life would be grand!!

Well I should be working on finishing my book right now so I digress, later.

Thanksgiving Reflection

I'm not sure how to accurately articulate what I'm feeling but I felt I should say something. My waves have carried me too far from the shore and I can't turn back now.

It's Thanksgiving and I'm sure I have a lot to be thankful for but that is not on my mind right now. I'd like to say Happy Thanksgiving to all and any who read this. I read on To Write Love on Her Arms that today we are suppose to be grateful and thankful for what we have and look back over the last year and see how far we've come. I feel like I have taken a step backwards from where I was last year and I'm struggling to see the rainbow that's in the sky.

I know that five years ago I didn't know or have any clue where i'd be today and didn't think about it either. Let's recap; Freshman and Junior year I went to Cleveland and I smiled for those around me on a holiday I'm not particularly fond of. Sophomore and Senior year I stayed in Ames and went to Rachel Kapke's house and pretended to be part of a family that wasn't mine. And last year, I was at Kasandra's house (more part of a family). Today I sit here in my three bedroom apartment alone and think.

We should be thankful for those we have and those who want to be there for us. If we don't embrace the others around us and step into their lives we will be stuck in this world of ours and end up all alone on the one day of the year we are suppose to be with those we care about and those that care about us. Every year we are suppose to laugh and smile, cry and feel pain, laugh until we cry; it's a balancing act. Now right now my scale is very lopsided and I'm working to fix that problem. If I could say everything that I wanted to, you'd probably want to hug me then I'd feel more uncomfortable. I'm very rarely a huggy person. My dad's wife once said that you guys don't hug very much after my father and I high-fived one another in a clearly hugging moment. It was normal to us yet different to others eyes I suppose.

Now I sit here watching this TV I've had since I was around 10years old and I'm thankful for all those that have come through my life and the few that have stuck it out with someone as crazy as me. I'd like to apologize to all those I've hurt throughout the short time period I've lived and say please forgive me. I know I constantly push people away and rarely let anyone in, my bad yo. It's a very powerful defense mechanism that makes days like today come very often. I'd like to take a moment and just say Thank you; you know who you are. Lately, I've been able to imagine myself years from now and that was not something that I ever really did, I've learned a lot and want to share with whomever is still reading to be thankful and take every event as a learning experience. Now I'm sure I could be with people somewhere right now, but I wouldn't have been much fun, so I digress; this is where I reside. Loved lost, smiles faded, friends departed, times changed, I'm in pain sometimes, yes a lot has occured since last Turkey day, hmmm, oh well. Enjoy yours and live for the moment.

Happy Thanksgiving all,

~Nas

Book Part 3

Being the little feisty child I was, I started climbing over my brother ready to go in the house and punch my father dead in the face. I only stood around 46 inches and about 55 pounds with patchy milk chocolate colored skin and dark red-brown hair. My father on the other hand was a fairly dark man, and he was cocky in stature (about 210-220lbs) holding his height steady at 6’1 during that time. Either way this little David was ready to take on Goliath. My mother grabbed me, “Anasia calm down…” She told us that we will wait until after Christmas before she makes any decisions. We all went in the house together and for the next five or six days, no one said a word.

My birthday turned the corner soon enough. And family was coming into town for the holiday. All I could think of was that George Foreman lost a boxing title earlier this year, also Jordan came back to bball, and how I thought those were emotional moments; mainly because the way my father and uncles reacted to them. I also remembered crying so vividly for some bombing in the middle of our nation² only because everyone else was. Yet this December, I was crying for US.

The following day, December 17^th, my dad said happy birthday to me as I ate macaroni and cheese for breakfast (it was my favorite meal and it was my birthday) and asked, “before you open your presents and see if you got what you wanted, what do you want for your birthday?”

As I had begun to open my mouth, I hesitated, flash backs rolled through my mind of getting beat for various activities that all started with me opening my mouth or my father losing his temper and this was both. Andrew [who was 4’2, about 60lbs, and who also had patchy brown skin like myself,] and I learned at a very young age to keep our tears hidden, they weren’t accepted in our household along with many other things. But like the child I was I could of cared less. I said within a swallow of a mouthful of mac, “I wanna know why would you cheat on ma since I was three years old, was it because I was born and you all had to move into a new house and be stressed and stuff?” [Dare to Love was released this day³]

He raised his hand in the air which seemed so high up to me and asked “what did you say?”

I thought for a whole two seconds and looking away from him down to the ground, “It’s my birthday dad, please don’t hit me!” That’s all I remember.

This Sunday morning, my mother was in the shower, and with no school, my brother stumbled like a zombie and walked into the dining room and turned into the kitchen to find food. My grandmother, Carolyn Ruth Sturdivant (aka Mama or dad’s mom), was outside and ready to take Andrew and I to church. I said to my grandma that day, “Mama, can I get on the altar?”

She simply replied, “Bless your little heart, of course you can, you don’t have to ask.” I still can’t recall what I got for my birthday that year. I do remember asking God to save me, and save my family.

The next few days went by very slowly and with lots of tension in the air. Eight days later, Christmas had finally arrived; and with my family being the masters of hiding emotions, we pretended nothing happened two weeks ago. Family started to pour in and we started to put on our façades. Mama was a sweet grandma, one of those down south type of grandparents, the ones that would fix you something to eat because they thought you looked hungry. She wasn’t skinny by any means but just the right size grandma to crawl up in her lap and rest your head on her black woman figure and fall asleep to the sound of her heart beat. Her complexion was smooth and rich almost like that of a Hershey’s chocolate bar. My dad’s family came and went as did my moms. Christmas became a blur that year and so did new years.

On bus w/bout12amish &handful othrs. Now letz set aside da fact dat I thnk they r gonna take us all 2children of da corn, but didn't know they spoke diff languages. It's kind of cool if I may say so myself. Back to napping though.

Bored outta mind &itz freezin. Now would b a good time 4a poem or somethin of dat nature. Any thoughts? saw da Social Network, bloggin has become more relevant