Random thought

When I'm famous some day, people will say, "hey, I knew her back when..."

When the ice on the cold streets was a playground for kids, slippery slopes
When the little tomboy girl couldn't jump ropes,
When time didn't matter and it wasn't yet about who I became,
When everything was simply about how you play the game.
When I was funny,
When I had no money,
When I was in school
When I was yet to be cool.
But...
The chances are I won't remember you because when I was talking about it, you wanted nothing to do with it. hmmm

I hope my book gets published soon and the world knows my story. You know the song I wanna be a billionaire so fricky bad... I don't, no one would ever see me again (hahah,) if that happened. It's lonely at the top. I just want others to read my story and tell me it was cool that I could write that. If something happened to me, no one would be able to know.

So I give you glimpses into what is important in my life when you read my book. I don't have any followers, but that has not stopped me from reflecting and sharing my thoughts. I want to be peaceful and live happily, so I try. Sometimes writing helps me get everything out; thus making me one step closer to being/realizing zen. I read a blog today from a friend called realizing zen and my mind soared into thinking what could be. If only we had an eye opening inspiration everyday. I believe life would be grand!!

Well I should be working on finishing my book right now so I digress, later.

Thanksgiving Reflection

I'm not sure how to accurately articulate what I'm feeling but I felt I should say something. My waves have carried me too far from the shore and I can't turn back now.

It's Thanksgiving and I'm sure I have a lot to be thankful for but that is not on my mind right now. I'd like to say Happy Thanksgiving to all and any who read this. I read on To Write Love on Her Arms that today we are suppose to be grateful and thankful for what we have and look back over the last year and see how far we've come. I feel like I have taken a step backwards from where I was last year and I'm struggling to see the rainbow that's in the sky.

I know that five years ago I didn't know or have any clue where i'd be today and didn't think about it either. Let's recap; Freshman and Junior year I went to Cleveland and I smiled for those around me on a holiday I'm not particularly fond of. Sophomore and Senior year I stayed in Ames and went to Rachel Kapke's house and pretended to be part of a family that wasn't mine. And last year, I was at Kasandra's house (more part of a family). Today I sit here in my three bedroom apartment alone and think.

We should be thankful for those we have and those who want to be there for us. If we don't embrace the others around us and step into their lives we will be stuck in this world of ours and end up all alone on the one day of the year we are suppose to be with those we care about and those that care about us. Every year we are suppose to laugh and smile, cry and feel pain, laugh until we cry; it's a balancing act. Now right now my scale is very lopsided and I'm working to fix that problem. If I could say everything that I wanted to, you'd probably want to hug me then I'd feel more uncomfortable. I'm very rarely a huggy person. My dad's wife once said that you guys don't hug very much after my father and I high-fived one another in a clearly hugging moment. It was normal to us yet different to others eyes I suppose.

Now I sit here watching this TV I've had since I was around 10years old and I'm thankful for all those that have come through my life and the few that have stuck it out with someone as crazy as me. I'd like to apologize to all those I've hurt throughout the short time period I've lived and say please forgive me. I know I constantly push people away and rarely let anyone in, my bad yo. It's a very powerful defense mechanism that makes days like today come very often. I'd like to take a moment and just say Thank you; you know who you are. Lately, I've been able to imagine myself years from now and that was not something that I ever really did, I've learned a lot and want to share with whomever is still reading to be thankful and take every event as a learning experience. Now I'm sure I could be with people somewhere right now, but I wouldn't have been much fun, so I digress; this is where I reside. Loved lost, smiles faded, friends departed, times changed, I'm in pain sometimes, yes a lot has occured since last Turkey day, hmmm, oh well. Enjoy yours and live for the moment.

Happy Thanksgiving all,

~Nas

Book Part 3

Being the little feisty child I was, I started climbing over my brother ready to go in the house and punch my father dead in the face. I only stood around 46 inches and about 55 pounds with patchy milk chocolate colored skin and dark red-brown hair. My father on the other hand was a fairly dark man, and he was cocky in stature (about 210-220lbs) holding his height steady at 6’1 during that time. Either way this little David was ready to take on Goliath. My mother grabbed me, “Anasia calm down…” She told us that we will wait until after Christmas before she makes any decisions. We all went in the house together and for the next five or six days, no one said a word.

My birthday turned the corner soon enough. And family was coming into town for the holiday. All I could think of was that George Foreman lost a boxing title earlier this year, also Jordan came back to bball, and how I thought those were emotional moments; mainly because the way my father and uncles reacted to them. I also remembered crying so vividly for some bombing in the middle of our nation² only because everyone else was. Yet this December, I was crying for US.

The following day, December 17^th, my dad said happy birthday to me as I ate macaroni and cheese for breakfast (it was my favorite meal and it was my birthday) and asked, “before you open your presents and see if you got what you wanted, what do you want for your birthday?”

As I had begun to open my mouth, I hesitated, flash backs rolled through my mind of getting beat for various activities that all started with me opening my mouth or my father losing his temper and this was both. Andrew [who was 4’2, about 60lbs, and who also had patchy brown skin like myself,] and I learned at a very young age to keep our tears hidden, they weren’t accepted in our household along with many other things. But like the child I was I could of cared less. I said within a swallow of a mouthful of mac, “I wanna know why would you cheat on ma since I was three years old, was it because I was born and you all had to move into a new house and be stressed and stuff?” [Dare to Love was released this day³]

He raised his hand in the air which seemed so high up to me and asked “what did you say?”

I thought for a whole two seconds and looking away from him down to the ground, “It’s my birthday dad, please don’t hit me!” That’s all I remember.

This Sunday morning, my mother was in the shower, and with no school, my brother stumbled like a zombie and walked into the dining room and turned into the kitchen to find food. My grandmother, Carolyn Ruth Sturdivant (aka Mama or dad’s mom), was outside and ready to take Andrew and I to church. I said to my grandma that day, “Mama, can I get on the altar?”

She simply replied, “Bless your little heart, of course you can, you don’t have to ask.” I still can’t recall what I got for my birthday that year. I do remember asking God to save me, and save my family.

The next few days went by very slowly and with lots of tension in the air. Eight days later, Christmas had finally arrived; and with my family being the masters of hiding emotions, we pretended nothing happened two weeks ago. Family started to pour in and we started to put on our façades. Mama was a sweet grandma, one of those down south type of grandparents, the ones that would fix you something to eat because they thought you looked hungry. She wasn’t skinny by any means but just the right size grandma to crawl up in her lap and rest your head on her black woman figure and fall asleep to the sound of her heart beat. Her complexion was smooth and rich almost like that of a Hershey’s chocolate bar. My dad’s family came and went as did my moms. Christmas became a blur that year and so did new years.

On bus w/bout12amish &handful othrs. Now letz set aside da fact dat I thnk they r gonna take us all 2children of da corn, but didn't know they spoke diff languages. It's kind of cool if I may say so myself. Back to napping though.

Bored outta mind &itz freezin. Now would b a good time 4a poem or somethin of dat nature. Any thoughts? saw da Social Network, bloggin has become more relevant

So I'm sittin @da ISU memorial union waitin on a bus 2a different middle of nowhere spot! The bus is late:(

random

Random, so I bought a recorder the other day. Same day I saw social network. Now i've been recording the most random thoughts. It's kinda cool and will hopefully help me get my book done alot faster.